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Now that I have spent 5 years in your organisation and despite getting a healthy bonus for my strategic work - I am still hungry for more. I do think that my request is legitimate considering you have pushed me into the boardroom. In fact my global colleagues also wanted to get into boardroom because of our strategic and dominant mental capacities and capability in handling your valuable assets.
I'd like to bring to your attention to that fact that its only me who can align your strategies with your assets. As you are aware I am far too busy in driving organisational performance and measuring others contributions - considering you often forget this in measuring my designed practices whether it be bottom up or top down. During our session I aim to bombard you with strategic HR indicatives - anyhow just to remind you of my responsibilities and highlighting by achievement. I hope you will consider me for a raise or it's very likely that I will not do another survey before getting disengaged from the organisation. You must understand it is not that I am financially driven but I do enjoy a rewards incentive. This is particularly the case if it is 4-wheel drive with a V8 engine.
Since we have been working together, you have witnessed my increasing responsibilities - I mean now I have innovated new structures, talent and many other new initiatives here are the brief areas that I want to highlight as being my main contributions. My areas of responsibility and expertise are talent acquisition, talent and leadership management, compensation & rewards, performance management, employee engagement, learning and development and organisation development - please allow me to highlight my strategic inputs so you get the facts right:
As you aware C&B is an important strategic imperative for attracting and rewarding top performers. I have actually never done anything in house but have always relied on our fish & chip partners to ensure we remain competitive in the market. As such I have no knowledge of competitors: I mean I don't even know the turn-over of our main competitor and logically you will agree with me that its none of my business to find out about them. I have really aligned our pay and rewards practices with the market. This has helped me attracting top people and rewarding top performers. You know my thoughts about poor performers - they are lazy bastards so let's keep our 21st century focus on the cream of the crop. Anyway in addition I have developed job descriptions and told everyone what to do with it!! These documents are very important in case we have to go to prepare ourselves for litigation. Secondly, I don't think we can achieve anything without dictating the minutiae of each job (even though I have no clue what they actually do in marketing and finance).
I know you no nothing about this - its only the US who know about talent. You see I developed those strategies where we really assess talent and I hope you remember those boxes I produced? Maybe not? Let me remind you: it was a potential performance matrix - I hope you recall it now. You refused other strategies of mine where I suggested not to mix it with performance and lets only just assess potential. Those 20 leadership competencies - after all those make you a leader - I do think that you lack a few but I hope you will take that constructively. I have been assessing myself and I score right at the top hence I am in such a strategic position in the company. After all if we really put our assessment into practice then only the executive team of we 10 people are the leaders - the rest of the 3,000 workers are just donkies!! You know what I mean? Ok let me highlight some more.
You know we always look for talent. We have that pretty looking competency model and check box list and this is how we have been assessing talent. Sometimes we do put them through psychometrics and case studies and really explore. Often we need hands for a job but we do everything in the world possible to hire talent. This is why we never speak to any job seekers and why we implemented a technology like Taleo to auto assess words on CVs because we think talent is better initiated from a piece of paper. Oh and by the way we are so active that we fill all our positions ourselves with massive hit rates. After we hire we have a program called on-boarding. Its great within 5 days you are on-board flying with us... How strategic. Next -
My favorite topic - oh let me quickly share a story with you. My wife went out for food shopping and nappies for the young one and she asked me if I could baby sit and change two nappies in an hour. And cook some food and vacuum the lounge. She didn't dictate these duties on me because we are so engaged with each other. I took the challenges and did them all. She came back - she started to find mistakes and made me realise that I didn't do a good job. I don't know why but it reminded me of our strategies at work. I mean after all we know how to set objectives using SMART and other latest trends and measuring them. After all we have to measure because then we can plan. Like the great Peter Drucker said "you can only manage it if you can measure it". What a great philosopher he is ... bless him. So look we developed such strategies of setting and training managers on performance management and measuring it through appraisals. Thus we do the right thing in keeping the employee engaged and satisfied with enhanced productivity. You see how strategic I am?
You know we deviated earlier today about London Olympics. And I told you it was not very strategic what they did because they forgot to do an engagement survey - it's only then you know how to engage them! You see how many times we say that we need to know the reasons before we can let them participate and engage. I mean this is why we never discuss confidential and strategic business decisions with them!! Anyhow it also gives them an opportunity to moan and complain before we finish our biscuits and cakes. After all philosophy is to worry about death after you die because if you worry before then thinking of it will make you stressed and that is not a healthy work environment. I hope you know what I mean?
You know I been trying to optimize people skills you know after all we need their hands and not minds. So we have been busy doing analysis as to what we are, where we want to be and where is the GAP .. you see this is called strategic TNA. I do this effectively even though I never done their jobs and I have no clue what is really required. Often I get input from managers who help me set. You know I kept it below budget so thumps I have saved you millions in cost...
I have put strategies in place for this i-e cultural diversity and improving the company culture etc. Since I know our culture and I have an exact measure in front of me you would expect me to be specialist in culture measurement. I know what is best and what is not best. I mean look at us we have more females, 40 nationalities, 21 different religions, wow these all explain how diverse we are! You see this is how we manage diversity - our culture. I can't describe it and put it in simplest terms in front of you but it needs changing to something - I think strategically its all about how we do things here!!!! So if we do them differently then we will change it change management is very important. So you will see I have been divorced 4 times and have 7 children from 4 wives. In fact the latest one is also thinking of leaving me . So I embrace change management. I can change people though change management - just like magic.
Here you go let me give you some more to think about, I have a certificate from CIPD that actively encourages above strategic HR initiatives and in addition I did my multiple choice question with the American HR society. And I have my GHRP certificate too. I am all qualified you know.
Anyway I think I said enough - so let's get straight to the point now for me to stay engaged all I ask is basic of $250,000. This is only 20% mid-point of market pay increment.
Thank you sir
Strategic HR Director